I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
