I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize