I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
