Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize