The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
