I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
