He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize