office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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