Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
