this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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