i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
