I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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