I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
