I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
