Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize