I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
