I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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