I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize