i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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