The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My ATM looks so different sober.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
