I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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