Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
