I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize