Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
