...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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