Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
