he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize