You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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