It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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