can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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