Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
