Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
