How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
My bed smells like the plague
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
