I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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