Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
