Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
