Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
