We're facebook friends in real life
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
