my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
