i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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