dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
