so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize