Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
