There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
