There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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