i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
