okay pat passed out under dana's car
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
