My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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