Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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