We're facebook friends in real life
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
