Dual....:-)
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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