My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize