fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
