Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You ruined the universe
Randomize