just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
