Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
