I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
