Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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