This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
