it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
