I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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