I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
