I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
